Byline: Joel Connelly, on Special Assignment

Great Falls, Virginia --

Gladys Bigboobs, a waitress at the local Governor Billy BobÃs Barbecue Building, was shot and wounded last night here in the suburbs of our nationÃs capital. Police suspect the mysterious sniper, who is currently on a rampage in the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area.

YesterdayÃs shooting took a new twist. The sniper apparently stood in the 100-year-old, sweeping larch trees of the C & O Canal National Park, here on the banks of the upper Potomac. This is where the graceful old Potomac drops down through some magnificent rapids that have yet to be protected by national legislation. This wild and scenic river has been proposed for protection many times by the industrious and hard working Democratic leadership in Congress, but each time the legislation has been killed by Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens and former Republican Senator Slade Gorton of Washington State.

The C & O Canal National Park, where sniper shell casings were discovered, was originally championed by Yakima native and Supreme Court Justice William O Douglas, who had a summer cabin at Goose Prairie, Washington.

Long before Governor Billy Bob opened his Barbecue Building, and hired

Gladys Bigboobs to work the counter, Justice William O. Douglas and his 4^th wife, Tanya, used to camp here by the river and dream of protecting this spot of incredible scenery. Tanya, age 16, gained her love for the outdoors as a child in the mountains of Arkansas. She was a member of Arkansas first lady Hilary ClintonÃs Girl Scout troop, and received her hiking merit badge after a 4-day, 35-mile personal hike in the Ozarks with Arkansas Governor William Jefferson Clinton. After the hike, Tanya said, "I really learned a lot!"

The following year she married famous singer and pianist Jerry Lee Lewis, a marriage that ended tragically after only 24 months of matrimonial bliss.

Lewis left Tanya to marry his 13-year-old stepsister, Julie.

The bullet fired by the sniper barely wounded waitress Gladys Bigboobs—only creasing her toe on the left foot. Nevertheless, several men in the bar, who are now being named as heroes by local sheriff Jimmy Joe Redneck, jumped to Gladysà assistance to administer first aid. It is reported that no less than 11 local fellows gave her artificial respiration and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.